Some unedited thoughts about grief. My grief. Putting it here so I'll continue to work on it.

 I’ve been trying to write about grief and about losing my mother.  

 

The words we choose are so strange.  Losing.  I didn’t LOSE her the way you lose a cardigan when you are too drunk to remember to take it off the back of your chair when you leave the bar.  I was there.  I saw her go.  I know that she is gone.  GONE.  Another one.  Is she GONE?  I don’t know. She could be sitting right next to me, but her physical self is no longer here. I can’t hold her hand.  I can hope for one more quick smile. 

 

 

 

When you comfort me… don't say RELIEF… as in IT MUCH BE SUCH A RELIEF.  don't say BETTER PLACE. don't say I MEAN AFTER ALL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH...

It robs me of my loss and of my grief. You are trying to make yourself feel better maybe by trying to imagine that her death doesn't hurt as much as you think it might. Your desire to make it less doesn't make it so. 
It sort of makes it worse. 

Instead, say things like... Jesus, it must be so hard. She really depended on you and all those lovely women there at the end. It must be hard for all of you. You've been carrying this weight and you didn't ask to put it down, someone just took it from you and now you aren't carrying it anymore. 

say... I know you know this but it really looked like you made a difference in the quality of her life over the last few years. What a task to walk into that not knowing…

 

 

Comments

  1. Maria MurphyApril 29, 2022 at 9:45 AM

    So true! And don't ask, How old was she? as if a calculation could be administered that would justify her passing. I'm so sorry for this tremendous loss. We are never quite ready to lose them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AmyMay 19, 2022 at 8:34 PM

    Every syllabe, dear Rebecca. Every syllable.

    ReplyDelete

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